Loss of Innocence

The term “Loss of Innocence” often too frequently seems to coincide with a loss of virginity. It is a vital literary term that I’m sure we as writers heavily involve. There’s always that one moment that changes our characters and turns their story. But, in all actuality, that situation of sex for the first time is fairly possible as one’s loss of innocence moment. There are moments in life that change your life dramatically. And typically, there is one pivotal moment that separates childhood from adulthood. One moment so significant, it changes your views, it changes your though process and completely flips your world upside down.

I first heard about this term when I was in my junior year of high school. It was getting to that early point in our lives where we were about to hit or had hit our Loss of Innocence. There was a moment in our lives where we would no longer be clueless to the world around us. We would no longer accept life for what it was simply because it was what we were told. There would be an instant when we woke up and realized that everything had changed.

We had to write a paper about our Loss of Innocence moment and give that moment a soundtrack song. I believe the song that I used was Dust in the Wind thanks to my dad’s recent discovery of the film Old School. And my big Loss of Innocence moment? When my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Little did I know that this was just the early waves of what would be my Loss of Innocence. No one could have predicted that May 26^th, 2004 would occur in such a way that shattered my existence. I remember vaguely that my paper had revolved around how much my mentality had changed about life. Going out with friends was less important to me than focusing on my family values; but friendships were more solidified and relationships were more significantly important. But on May 26^th, 2004, my whole world completely upturned when my mother actually passed away. I was seventeen. My sister was thirteen. And my dad was sitting with nineteen and a half years of marriage under his belt. 

Devastating does not describe it. No word comes even close to that heartbreak. I have never felt anything as heart wrenching as losing my mother. My mom and I were insanely close in her last few years. Our typical Friday nights were renting movies from Blockbuster, eating Chinese food and driving around in her VW Bug. Those are the moments that I remember so vividly and I miss more than I can explain. But they were great moments that I will treasure.

When someone loses their innocence, their whole world changes in a blink of an eye. And despite how much I thought I valued with my relationships and my family core, that only seemed to intensify after my Loss of Innocence. But I became changed. I began to look after my sister and father so much more than I had in the past. I took on more responsibilities with my life. I sought more seriously my education and my own grounded wellbeing. It takes time to settle into that place. Graduating, getting a career, getting married, having a baby…all moments that shape life. There always moments that change you but the big one is dubbed your Loss of Innocence.

Now, as I’ve mentioned, a Loss of Innocence is often thought of as losing your virginity. Granted, this could be a huge impact on your life. Especially in terms of when and how you lose your virginity. At a young age, I’m sure it is not easy to be in two worlds with no real sight of the shore. A friend of mine lost her virginity (some call it nonviolent or consenting rape) at the age of 14 or 15 quite suddenly and by their own account, on accident. This changed my friend’s life; it impacted future relationships and perception of dating. It not only influenced my friend’s life but mine as well as those relationships our friends had in their futures. It was defining moment when childhood innocence was lost and a new outlook on life came into play. It was not all about playing and having fun, life had consequences and situations beyond our control.

As writers, we have to know these moments about our characters. Not only do we have to know what color their hair is or where they work, we need to know what drives them. Breaking through my Loss of Innocence moment was hard as a writer but overcoming it, I believe I created something strong. I made a novel that brought about so much heartache, upset stomachs, rattled nerves, sweat and tears on my own part. I had sleepless nights about the emotional turmoil of my characters; the pain that they were going to have to go through. And the struggles of trying to accurately pen those thoughts and emotions while not writing a sappy tear-jerker that mirrored my life like a memoir, let me just tell you is not easy. But I felt so empowered for doing it. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders as I realized that I could use my burden to fuel my inspiration. 

A note to my characters that were the brunt of my inspiration: From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry and I love you. Millie, words cannot describe my apologies; I’m sorry to Zeke and Marley for what you had go through. Thank you to Piv and Trevor for being the pure lifelines of unconditional love and support. This was a huge feat and I loved every second I spent with these characters. They just may have to have another life in another less psychologically draining setting.