Real Life Emotional Turmoil Isn't Always Creative Fuel

As a writer, our emotional turmoil gets penned down into our stories whether we let it on that it actually does or not. Sure, I never lost my best friend to a drunken high school party. I've never had four brothers nor have I slept with his best friend. I've never owned a bar or been the girl who gave her baby to her brother in secret. Those are my characters, close to my heart, and definitely not me. But what they represent, what they are experiencing, what their lives and souls are all about are me. The trouble is deciding between what to add and what to expand. That's the trouble with my 'Bar Story' as I've told you. It's difficult to decide what emotions to use and what to keep guarded. It's hard to pick the paths and plans for that story. Maybe in a few years I'll finally find it.

But as a writer, we also use these worlds we create as a place to escape. I don't want to be in my own life at times and I escape to a new town, new world, new life where I have a better control on what happens.
Today has appeared to be a hangover Saturday which would be true post-party if I was in fact hungover. However, it does not shield the fact that I have been in my head all day today whether I want to be or not. My mind cannot wrap around the concept of a previous discussion. I should write it down. I should turn it into a story, spin it and make sense of it. But the problem is that I don't want this for my characters. My stories often end in resolution and a sigh of relief. My characters would appear triumphant in the end but in this case, it is one of self-discovery and self-revelation. My character would have come to this conclusion and walked the path alone at the end.

Real life has consequences. And true emotions that muck up the situation and disrupt the calm. My heart breaks. I can say it all so much better as a writer than vocally. I'm not a storyteller by design. Writing is just another way to play house.

Creative Withdrawl

I think one of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to write. The sheer idea of losing my sight or the ability to compose words in the written form is daunting enough of a thought but to lose my creativity is unimaginable. Sure, we all get writer's block. And sometimes, I find myself struggling for weeks on end without a single bubble of creativity to speak of in my mind. But what if that was permanent? I think I would cease to exist, quite simply.

My writings are my babies and therefore, difficult to hand off into the world. I'm always worried about them being stolen or hated. It's irrational but it's there. I write for myself in the hopes that someday they will find their niche. But what do I write? I write about life. My novels, novellas, short stories and scripts are about life and love and loss and the dynamics of people. I have always been fascinated by psychology. I've never been one to analyze someone but the definitions of character is always appealing to study. I find the crazier, the more interesting. But my stories are focused on the development of the psychology.

For instance, my Alex's Best Girl script was a troubled one at first. The idea was planted into my head and originally a novel. But, thanks to Script Frenzy, it formed into an actual fully-functioning script. The idea was less of the psychology (because scripts obviously are about the actions rather than emotions). In the past couple of years, my stories have revolved various love triangles, secrets and tragedies. Lately, my favorite two of course involve a twist of timelines and underlining secrets. But those are the stories that take a lot out of a writer emotionally. Writing the past interwoven with the future, the sheer heartbreak of what has transpired between the two, it weighs you down. But the "bar story" concept is still too raw to describe as an unbiased author. I have tried to write it in three different novels. And last Nano I did try to recreate the Bar Story...while it did meet the count ahead of schedule, it still is not complete. This Script Frenzy, I tried to write the Bar Story...I'm so far behind with less than 30 pages and the deadline is Monday. So, I did not win this year which is horrible to think.

I live and breathe for my writings. When I find creativity, it is the best Sugar High anyone could ever ask for and I feel it bubble in my veins. What if I lose that love?